Why Dating Feels So Confusing: Understanding the Layers of Attraction in Modern Relationships
Why Dating Feels So Confusing: Understanding the Layers of Attraction in Modern Relationships
Dating today can feel deeply confusing—especially for those who are dating with long-term partnership or marriage in mind. Many people I work with in therapy are self-aware, high-functioning, and thoughtful in their approach to relationships. And still, they find themselves stuck.
They meet someone they’re deeply attracted to, but something is missing. Or they find emotional safety, but the spark feels dull. Or they build a strong partnership, only to feel lonely or unseen months later. And the most common question becomes: Am I being too picky—or not picky enough?
As a psychologist, I don’t believe these experiences reflect failure. I believe they reflect complexity. And one of the most helpful ways I’ve found to support clients through this confusion is by naming something we don’t often talk about: that attraction is not one thing. It’s many things. And in long-term relationships, these elements don’t always align.
The Split Attraction Model: More Than Just “Chemistry”
In queer and neurodivergent communities, the Split Attraction Model describes how people can experience different types of attraction—romantic, sexual, aesthetic, emotional, intellectual—separately from one another. While it originated in identity discussions, the concept is deeply relevant to anyone trying to build a relationship that works.
Let’s name a few of these layers:
Sexual attraction: Do I want this person physically?
Romantic attraction: Do I want to be loved by and love this person?
Emotional attraction: Do I feel safe opening up with this person?
Relational compatibility: Could we actually build a life together?
Aesthetic attraction: Do I enjoy looking at this person or being seen with them?
Values-based alignment: Do we want the same future, and do we respect how each other gets there?
In early dating, some of these layers might show up strongly while others feel faint. This doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It means the decision about who we commit to—and how—is more layered than we’re often taught to expect.
The Myth of the All-In-One Person
Culturally, we’re sold a vision of one person meeting every need: sexual partner, best friend, life manager, spiritual companion, intellectual match, and co-parent. For some, this ideal lines up naturally. But for many, the pressure to find “the one” who checks every box can create paralysis, or lead to quick connections that fade just as fast.
In therapy, I often work with clients who are navigating this terrain: trying to honor what they feel drawn to, while also thinking long-term. The problem is not a lack of desire to commit. It’s the recognition that commitment involves trade-offs, and those trade-offs feel more significant when the different types of attraction are pulling in different directions.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Dating for Partnership
If you’re dating with the intention of finding a long-term partner, these are some useful questions to explore—not to find perfect answers, but to give language to the process:
Do I feel emotionally safe with this person, or only romantically excited?
Do I find them attractive in the way I want to be attracted long-term?
Do we navigate stress or miscommunication well?
Do our values align around life, family, intimacy, and power?
Am I looking for someone to mirror my desires, or to grow alongside me?
Which parts of this connection feel nourishing, and which parts feel like compromise?
These are not binary yes-or-no questions. They’re invitations to reflect, to feel, and to move with intentionality.
You Are Not Lost—You Are Discerning
Many people come to therapy feeling disoriented by their own experience of attraction. They may wonder why they feel sexually drawn to someone but emotionally disengaged. Or why they feel deeply cared for by a partner but no longer experience desire. These aren’t signs of dysfunction. They’re signs that different layers of connection are asking for attention.
Understanding the split nature of attraction can help reduce shame. It can create room to grieve unmet needs, or to accept a connection for what it is rather than what it was supposed to be. And it can help clarify what kind of relationship you want to build—not just who you want to build it with.
In Closing
Dating for long-term partnership requires more than chemistry. It requires clarity. Not just about the other person, but about yourself—what you need, what you want, what you’re drawn to, and what sustains you.
If you are navigating this kind of relational complexity, therapy can offer a space to reflect without judgment. To name what’s working and what’s missing. To build relationships that are rooted not just in attraction, but in awareness.
I offer virtual therapy for adults across New York and California who are exploring dating, commitment, identity, and connection. If this resonates, I invite you to reach out.
